harry potter jelly bellies
October 20, 2002

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The following is a review of the new Harry Potter Jelly Bellies, or "Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans", as they are branded and distributed. I have confined my review to the flavors which are not present in the standard Jelly Belly distribution, as there is no need to spill more ink lauding Green Apple or Banana and reviling the hated Buttered Popcorn, as is done with the advent of each Jelly Belly vintage.

Booger: A little greener than perhaps it should be, and the occasional flecks of dark brown make you wonder just what it is that this person had up his or her nose. The overall flavor, however, is a bit of a disappointment; perhaps a little bit salty but also sweet and almost minty in a way that actual boogers most certainly aren't, and one is inevitably led to the conclusion that Bertie is here relying upon the mental image of booger consumption to supply the gross-out factor. Rating: D

Black Pepper: Somewhat closed and inaccessible upon first bite -- at least relative to my expectations of the flavor -- the Black Pepper bean soon opens up into sweet, spice-laden black pepper flavors. Well executed, though one imagines it not much of a challenge to create. A solid effort nevertheless, and -- unlike some of the other flavors -- there's a chance that this one could make the crossover into the standard distribution. Rating: B

Vomit: This bean is quite disgusting. While lacking the acidic bite of actual vomit, the bean is surprisingly successful at evoking the revolting chunky miscellany of the experience. The flavor does not immediately recall the taste of vomit, but it is nauseating enough that, in more psychologically suggestive types, it might actually serve as an emetic. I feel compelled to give it two scores: the first to indicate the pleasure that I took in the experience, and the second to evaluate Bertie's success in recreating an experience that all of us have had and few care to remember. Rating: D-/B+

Earwax: Like Booger, this flavor is a yawner. It's doubtful that the creators of this bean were even attempting to recreate earwax, which although I cannot vouch for its flavor, has a distinctive odor which is not even alluded to by this bean. Probably they had a failed experimental recipe for one of the other flavors and asked themselves how they could market it, considering "Toejam" and "Sputum" before settling on Earwax. They should have given the whole thing a miss. Rating: D

Spinach: One imagines what Bertie is going for here is the flavor of frozen or canned spinach -- and in this respect, it's a success. This beans opens up strong and the spinach flavor carries all the way through to the finish. rating: B

Sardine: Oily, briny, fishy -- and with that unnamable flavor that one can find nowhere else -- this is an impeccable re-creation of the experience of eating canned sardines. Bertie has created the consummate savory bean. If you can only try one of Bertie's new releases, make it this one. One wishes for a letter in the alphabet preceding "A" in order to give a fair rating to this masterpiece. Bravo! Rating: A++

Grass: Anyone who has ever actually eaten grass knows that its flavor, while not exactly pungent, is very distinctive and sticks on one's palate. Someone should have forced this bean's designers to do some grazing as research. Overly sweet and with only vague weedy flavors, a bean which should have been strongly suggestive of summer chores (and, by extension, summer vacation), this bean's slight vegetal flavors force the eater to stretch for their own mental associations. An excellent idea flubbed in execution. Rating: C-

Dirt: Redolent of potting soil and minerals, this is a masterstroke. Starting with a subtle clay note, the Dirt bean explodes into earthy, loamy flavors. There's even a siltiness to the texture that I originally thought was entirely psychological, but now I'm not so sure. Bertie has managed to take everything good about eating dirt -- and none of the bad things -- and concentrate it into this bean flavor. Rating: A

Read other people's experiences here, here, here, and here.

October 20, 2002 in best, old_site | Permalink

Comments

you have the most descusting jelly bellies ever made i cant belive how sick that me i had a head ake for 3 hours thx 4 makin me sick bi

Posted by: Lyndsey at Jul 9, 2005 8:04:16 PM

they have the best jelly bellies except for the nasty ones but they are the best i think they should make more flavors

Posted by: Charlie at Jul 21, 2005 11:50:00 PM

they have the best jelly bellies except for the nasty ones but they are the best. i think they should make more flavors.

Posted by: Charlie at Jul 21, 2005 11:51:03 PM

well i personally loved the earwax jelly beans adn the sardines tasted just like my delicious lunch i take everyday to school. its like a whole sardine samwich at love. but i do think that the dirt was quite unappetizing but other than that id eat them everyday

Posted by: genevieve at Nov 25, 2005 8:52:55 PM

i would have to say my most favorate and my least is the vomit-i actually gagged on it. i would not recommend eating it on purpose, i ate it at a company party, we were supposed to guess the flavors-thats what i get for my hard work

Posted by: chad at Dec 22, 2005 7:05:01 PM

brilliant....i bought them for my 2 yr old thinking it was a joke...tried one myself..it was bacon...i took the nasty ones out...cut them in half and shared with a friend. i laugheed until i cried. sardine wa sjust foul...cant wait to buy more for other friends

Posted by: julie at Mar 21, 2006 11:08:15 AM

I noticed you neglected to mention the bean flavored like poop.I fed one to my girlfriend thinking it was some kind of chocolate ( they look very much the same )the look on her face was unforgetable. However, the other day, I found that all the others like it had mysteriously vanished from the bag and later found her gobbling them down like so much delicious little morsels....what does this mean?!

Posted by: lars at Apr 6, 2006 3:19:53 PM

Lars,

Maybe your girlfriend just can't confront her love of the taste of poop? I think you must be joking though because I know of no such flavor as poop in the collection.Are you sure it wasn't somthing else?

There is however an unlisted flavor unoficialy titled "armpit", and I can myself vouch for the guilty pleasure I enjoy every time I accidentaly eat one of these. I always pretend to hate it, but the truth is it makes me all hot.

Posted by: julie at Apr 6, 2006 3:27:23 PM

Truthfully i only like the cinnamon ones they all make me sick i had to leave school cause i smelled a rotten egg jelly and it made me puke

Posted by: courtney at May 12, 2006 10:41:05 AM

the sick person who came up with this thx 4 making me sick i mean gosh there horrable

Posted by: courtney at May 12, 2006 10:44:41 AM

The Vomit one is disgusting like hell... I wanted to punch someone. lmao yuck. it reeks too. my OWN vomit tastes better than that. not because it IS my own vomit but because that bean is just rancid!

Posted by: TARA at Sep 19, 2007 1:26:40 PM

These were SO much fun! My cousin brought them to my house and she was giving them to me one by one and my silly behind was eating them and trying to guess the flavors. Up until I got to the rotten egg one it was tremendously entertaining. Rotten egg is so putrid I ran outside gagging. I thought I had saved 2 rotten egg ones to have a little fun with my kids but they turned out to be lemon. I have to get another box, hee hee.

Posted by: Jamie at Oct 2, 2007 3:48:26 PM

Well...The Vomit one is disgusting like hell... I wanted to punch someone. lmao yuck. it reeks too. my OWN vomit tastes better than that. not because it IS my own vomit but because that bean is just rancid

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